This passage is from a writing sample I saved on my computer during a time in my life that was very lonely, very painful, and at times I didn't know if I was actually going to be able to make it. I'm not really sure why I never shared this with you all until now. Maybe I was scared of taking off the mask, being vulnerable and letting you into who I really am. I hope this blesses me as much as reading it after all this time has blessed me. Gosh, it's amazing to see just how far I have come, and recalling exactly what I was going through at this exact time. And, if I had to redo it all over again, I'd do it in a heartbeat :)
As I sit and read Hosea, and how God told him to marry a whore, and what to name his children. And how he goes onto explain what he allows the whore to do; and how he will leave her in the wilderness after being used by the men she sleeps with; and how he will expose her because of the lifestyle she chooses to live, I can’t help but compare my life with this one.
No I am nowhere near being a whore or like one (whatever that really means anyway), however, my life living on this earth has not always been pleasing to Him. There have been times when I’ve gotten the nudge just before doing wrong to do right but instead I let my flesh take over, much like Hosea’s wife, and chose to go my own way. There were people I dated that I shouldn’t have dated or even entertained for that matter. There were friends I had that lasted way past their expiration date. And some life long choices I will forever have to live with that I sometimes wish I never made. But like his wife, God exposed me, he brought me back to a place where he could deal with ME. My heart, my mind, my EVERYTHING. And I can’t help but think about just where I am today.
Sometimes my heart is so broken I don’t know if I can get past the next second. Sometimes all I can do is cry out to God and ask “Why” simply “Why”. When I go to pray, sometimes the only words to come out are “Jesus”. Although, this period hurts I know that it’s for good reason. See, God is in the midst of doing something Big. It may seem minute to others but between Him and I, I know he’s doing something Big and the only way to do that and get ALL the glory is by stripping me, exposing me, and showing me, me. Working on Me, Molding Me and Transforming Me in a way that only he can. Then and only then will I truly know who he is and his sweet sweet love.
A love like his is something you can search high and low for on this earth and you will NEVER find. His love is something that all you have to do is seek with a true and honest heart. His love doesn’t judge. His love doesn’t say you have to be perfect, or even know what to say and the right things to say. His love is just that LOVE. Pure LOVE. And like anything else it comes with a true relationship with him.
So if you’re searching for love, for a void to be filled, seek him. He’ll fill that void like no other. I’m a living witness. Some may say things in my life right now are nothing in comparison to others and that’s fine, what I can deal with may not be what someone else can and vice versa but I can tell you the hurt and voids that I’ve been left with were only ever truly filled by loving Him and Him loving me. So I say go love on Him for a while. What do you have to lose?
He’s probably already starting doing to you as he did Hosea’s wife, exposing her, and getting her to a place where he could really deal with her whole heart and the full essence of who she was. Give all of yourself away to him, and he will give all of himself to you.